Monday

  • I have no friends here. I will be alone alone
  • it’s been a long time since I’ve felt intense sadness in my chest all the time like this. it’s really fucking annoying
  • 3 years of stability and union, after a life time of lonely chaos, I am not ready to return but I am powerless to stop it
  • he’d visited a freecycle user’s porch and picked up two large cardboard boxes for us. one was branded for ethical toilet paper, the other said “old world new world out of this world”
  • when he’d got back I was sitting on a bench, crying, feeling hectic, holding it in, texting people about it. I had my hair pulled back hoping the sun would repair the large white and pink stripe it left on my face the day before. we went inside. I couldnt take it, I left again.
  • we went through some drawers and binned some things. I cried when I found the pink Gameboy I’d given him the day we met.
  • I jogged with him to Peckham Rye station
  • I don’t think I’ve ever jogged before
  • we had coffee and lunch at a little table in the sunken garden by One New Change
  • I was sick and I went to a meeting and he went to an exercise class for gays and did high intensity interval training
  • we got caught in the rain, he wrapped his brown hoody around his backpack and we went to Oxford St so he could get new exercise shorts
  • we hid in a secret Costa upstairs of Oxford Street Next and had flat white and espresso con panna. i’d ordered an iced flat white, and they made me a hot one. i sucked it up
  • we went to Wagamama and had rice noodle “ramen” and “naked katsu” (two foods whose names contain a lie) and non-gluten prawn lollipop
  • it was a wild wet day in the end, we walked all over Oxford Street and Queen Victoria Street and took northern and bakerloo
  • I was sick and sweating and feeling physically drained
  • he got me a skipping rope and I skipped in the park with other people around
  • blood sugar 5.7

Tuesday

  • was sick but went in for a meeting again.
  • so much anxiety, so irritated by it. have stuff to do.
  • stayed in a hotel Tue and Wed.
  • it’s one of the smallest rooms I’ve stayed in. maybe smaller even than the tiny place in Paris where I suffered an ear infection, with the blood black wax. that place had a desk, so seems bigger in my memory. but it also had a slanted roof, so maybe smaller by volume
  • room 120. easyHotel. feel so sick. choked on a chicken satay stick
  • had a 4 hour chat on the phone with Simon Legg about love, law and loss. and the JFK assassination
  • lay on my back and listened to Conga Y Timbal by Los Yagarú
  • what will happen?

Wednesday

  • I woke up and i regretted it immediately
  • had a dream I shaved my head down the middle (it was patchy, looked like Danny DeVito), was replacing someone’s wireless electronics I’d secretly installed in the bush for their dogs with a single long German wire. it was at Harmony Drive, the corner of Harmony Hill. I was meant to call Abe to talk. long dream. Philadelphia Cheese was called Partido in Spain , or maybe Kraft was called Partido.
  • I slept on my hand with my wrist bent all the way back and woke up In pain. do that a lot
  • feeling needy
  • spending the day alone to give him time and space to think
  • in the dream a stranger offered me a hug because I’d stopped in the street and was staring at them, I thought I was staring in the middle distance but when I looked more closely at them I realised they were right
  • a new firmware was released for the op-1. it fixes all the crackle and pop.
  • drank several beers and a couple of litres of kalimotxo

Thursday

  • hello! good morning. i woke up and drank a quarter of a bottle of kalimotxo.
  • I can’t enjoy music and if I turn off podcasts (which I’m not really even listening to) for more than a few minutes then I become consumed by own feelings
  • I have to force myself to eat every mealtime because even though food seems impossible to face I know it will get worse if I don’t
  • im still sick too.
  • trying to maintain a blood alcohol level just over that which would make it illegal to drive
  • i thought we had more time
  • listened to You’re Not Alone by Andrew WK on repeat and cried in the park. a dog came over
  • i text and asked if we could have a “chill night”. Abe came home and we played fortnite
  • I’m trying to be normal but I’m so awkward

Friday

  • We had a nice breakfast (overnight oats (or cold brew porridge as kara’s partner correctly calls it)) with chopped cherries and yoghurt
  • We got a iced coffee from the general store and sat in holly hedges and had a morning chat
    • I’m so awkward
  • feeling better, went into the office to work
  • had a prawn cocktail and a Manhattan for lunch in Harry’s Bar
    • the cutlery was really heavy
    • I was surrounded by bankers
    • there are four kinds of men at Harry’s. bankers, ex-bankers, budget Hemingways and trans boys
  • met Abe in the Whitechapel gallery after work, then we sat in the grass. I don’t know how things are
  • we went to Nando’s for dinner. walked by the river down by the Tate
  • fell into a weird sleep

Saturday

  • I don’t remember the morning. it was so hot. I think I drank some kalimotxo.
  • went to the park near Nisa Local to read and make music. I’m working on a good one. a dog came over and we gave it water from our bottles.
  • later on I went to a housewarming pool party in the back garden. I met some neighbours for the first time. they were all very nice.
  • later (1am) I met some people in the park who were having their monthly park bench wine party. they were very nice too.

Sunday

  • hungover
  • hot
  • at night we lay on the grass and looked at the stars

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