it’s a ps1 overworld theme and i have the bedroom door locked and it’s 2am and i’m stoned and concerned my parents might hear the playstation and knock the door to tell me to stop

when i startedi was dreaming of making music that doesn’t sound like the playstation 1, but here we are

like when elliott smith was like “if i could write happy music, i would. i wish i could”

except it’s “look if i could write ps3 music,”

bit wild this one; i had inner turmoil but now i’m cured.

i used to make music like this a lot, but it always felt really disjointed. i’ve learnt now that if you have a quickly rising sine wave in the bar before the change, (or x---x---x-x-xxxx, in whatever way (you can have different instruments pass of parts to one another)) then it feels OK and pretty good. people just need warning that there is going to be change. they don’t need to know what is going to change, they just need to know that a change is coming.

I believe the time has come to announce that Abe and I are no longer together. It was a crazy wonderful time, more than anyone could imagine after 3 years together!! A fairy-tale life but we do have our differences as all couples do and we both decided together that this was the best scenario! We are still friends and both agree this is the best choice for us. I felt it necessary to announce this on social media because we were together 24/7 so as soon as anyone sees we’re not together the first question is “where’s Abe” – about 20 people asked me that very question today at the gym and when I say we are no longer together it’s a 20min conversation. Whatever happens in life you have to be strong and keep pushing forward and Abe is a very very strong boy and we will both keep pushing forward and being the best we can be in every aspect of life #nomoreking #lifemustgoon #nothinglastsforever #nolovelikedoglove #keepmovingforward #livinthedream #forlife #fivepercentersmentality #deadred #bestsenario

What to say about this week?

We went out for a kind of anniversary dinner on Wednesday at a gluten free restaurant called Niche. The photos they use on their website make it appear like a large dungeon, but it’s a beautiful small restaurant with a floor-to-ceiling window all along one side and an incredibly nice all/0-gender bathroom the size of my flat.

My notes for this week are mostly angsty song lyrics that I will have to burn, but let’s see what I have:

  • i went to see people from my office job play rounders on monday
    • it was a lovely day that went on until 2am
    • there are some things i want to write about, but i don’t know how to
    • my boss’s boss’s boss asked me and some other spectators to “post some shit” in the corporate slack, so we posted some shit in the corporate slack
    • a stranger at a bar grabbed my right tit and squeezed it while making direct eye contact with me
  • i just wanna choo-choo and keep going
  • i didn’t realize that activating the break clause on my apartment would mean the estate agent would be bringing people to my house every day for the next 2 months
  • we watched the whole Olympics opening ceremony on Friday morning when i was off sick
  • keep finding myself staring in the mirror thinking about what a fat dumb bitch i am
out of one’s element, in one’s cups

here’s a track i finished today. i’m either ahead of my time, or a terrible musician.

i always thought “one’s” was spelt “ones” like “its” and “hers” but the dictionary of english idioms told me it was “out of one’s element” and “in one’s cups” and i’m no hemigway

good night, sweet one

Monday

  • I have no friends here. I will be alone alone
  • it’s been a long time since I’ve felt intense sadness in my chest all the time like this. it’s really fucking annoying
  • 3 years of stability and union, after a life time of lonely chaos, I am not ready to return but I am powerless to stop it
  • he’d visited a freecycle user’s porch and picked up two large cardboard boxes for us. one was branded for ethical toilet paper, the other said “old world new world out of this world”
  • when he’d got back I was sitting on a bench, crying, feeling hectic, holding it in, texting people about it. I had my hair pulled back hoping the sun would repair the large white and pink stripe it left on my face the day before. we went inside. I couldnt take it, I left again.
  • we went through some drawers and binned some things. I cried when I found the pink Gameboy I’d given him the day we met.
  • I jogged with him to Peckham Rye station
  • I don’t think I’ve ever jogged before
  • we had coffee and lunch at a little table in the sunken garden by One New Change
  • I was sick and I went to a meeting and he went to an exercise class for gays and did high intensity interval training
  • we got caught in the rain, he wrapped his brown hoody around his backpack and we went to Oxford St so he could get new exercise shorts
  • we hid in a secret Costa upstairs of Oxford Street Next and had flat white and espresso con panna. i’d ordered an iced flat white, and they made me a hot one. i sucked it up
  • we went to Wagamama and had rice noodle “ramen” and “naked katsu” (two foods whose names contain a lie) and non-gluten prawn lollipop
  • it was a wild wet day in the end, we walked all over Oxford Street and Queen Victoria Street and took northern and bakerloo
  • I was sick and sweating and feeling physically drained
  • he got me a skipping rope and I skipped in the park with other people around
  • blood sugar 5.7

Tuesday

  • was sick but went in for a meeting again.
  • so much anxiety, so irritated by it. have stuff to do.
  • stayed in a hotel Tue and Wed.
  • it’s one of the smallest rooms I’ve stayed in. maybe smaller even than the tiny place in Paris where I suffered an ear infection, with the blood black wax. that place had a desk, so seems bigger in my memory. but it also had a slanted roof, so maybe smaller by volume
  • room 120. easyHotel. feel so sick. choked on a chicken satay stick
  • had a 4 hour chat on the phone with Simon Legg about love, law and loss. and the JFK assassination
  • lay on my back and listened to Conga Y Timbal by Los Yagarú
  • what will happen?

Wednesday

  • I woke up and i regretted it immediately
  • had a dream I shaved my head down the middle (it was patchy, looked like Danny DeVito), was replacing someone’s wireless electronics I’d secretly installed in the bush for their dogs with a single long German wire. it was at Harmony Drive, the corner of Harmony Hill. I was meant to call Abe to talk. long dream. Philadelphia Cheese was called Partido in Spain , or maybe Kraft was called Partido.
  • I slept on my hand with my wrist bent all the way back and woke up In pain. do that a lot
  • feeling needy
  • spending the day alone to give him time and space to think
  • in the dream a stranger offered me a hug because I’d stopped in the street and was staring at them, I thought I was staring in the middle distance but when I looked more closely at them I realised they were right
  • a new firmware was released for the op-1. it fixes all the crackle and pop.
  • drank several beers and a couple of litres of kalimotxo

Thursday

  • hello! good morning. i woke up and drank a quarter of a bottle of kalimotxo.
  • I can’t enjoy music and if I turn off podcasts (which I’m not really even listening to) for more than a few minutes then I become consumed by own feelings
  • I have to force myself to eat every mealtime because even though food seems impossible to face I know it will get worse if I don’t
  • im still sick too.
  • trying to maintain a blood alcohol level just over that which would make it illegal to drive
  • i thought we had more time
  • listened to You’re Not Alone by Andrew WK on repeat and cried in the park. a dog came over
  • i text and asked if we could have a “chill night”. Abe came home and we played fortnite
  • I’m trying to be normal but I’m so awkward

Friday

  • We had a nice breakfast (overnight oats (or cold brew porridge as kara’s partner correctly calls it)) with chopped cherries and yoghurt
  • We got a iced coffee from the general store and sat in holly hedges and had a morning chat
    • I’m so awkward
  • feeling better, went into the office to work
  • had a prawn cocktail and a Manhattan for lunch in Harry’s Bar
    • the cutlery was really heavy
    • I was surrounded by bankers
    • there are four kinds of men at Harry’s. bankers, ex-bankers, budget Hemingways and trans boys
  • met Abe in the Whitechapel gallery after work, then we sat in the grass. I don’t know how things are
  • we went to Nando’s for dinner. walked by the river down by the Tate
  • fell into a weird sleep

Saturday

  • I don’t remember the morning. it was so hot. I think I drank some kalimotxo.
  • went to the park near Nisa Local to read and make music. I’m working on a good one. a dog came over and we gave it water from our bottles.
  • later on I went to a housewarming pool party in the back garden. I met some neighbours for the first time. they were all very nice.
  • later (1am) I met some people in the park who were having their monthly park bench wine party. they were very nice too.

Sunday

  • hungover
  • hot
  • at night we lay on the grass and looked at the stars

  • I didn’t know about Beckenham Place Park, it’s lovely
    • i got on the train to think
    • got off at Ravensbourne because it had a bird’s name
    • followed the signs to Crab Hill because it had a crab’s name
    • found myself in a large big green park with a lake and a forest i’d never seen before, 15 mins from home
  • football’s coming home this evening, richard branson (the billionaire misanthropist who invented branson pickle) is going to space
  • most of my notes from this week are really depressing so i’m not going to type them up
    • one is really maudlin and worth pasting here so posterity knows the extent of my melodrama:
      • “my life is turning to fucking dust around me”
  • i’m going to activate the break clause on my flat
    • it’s a 2 month break clause
    • feels really precarious to activate it.
    • generally i can’t find flats to rent more than 1 month in advance, so i need to activate this and then sit for a month and then find something before i run out of time
    • i wonder what it’s like to have savings
  • we went to see Freaky on Thursday evening. it was better and more thoughtful than expected
  • i’ve been learning Spanish on Duolingo. I’ve competed a 7 day streak i.e. I’m fluent
  • let’s all go to beckenham place park and drink mango white claws

so the UK government actually passed a bill that allows for cops and informants to get immunity to literally any crime

https://bills.parliament.uk/bills/2783

it was given royal assent in March and it’s fucked up.

also the list of relevant authorities allowed to authorize legal crime by cops and snitches is really funny:


Police forces etc
– Any police force.
– The National Crime Agency.
– The Serious Fraud Office.


The intelligence services
– Any of the intelligence services.


The armed forces
– Any of Her Majesty’s forces.


Revenue and Customs
– Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs.


Government departments
– The Department of Health and Social Care.
– The Home Office.
– The Ministry of Justice.


Other bodies
– The Competition and Markets Authority.
– The Environment Agency.
– The Financial Conduct Authority.
– The Food Standards Agency.
– The Gambling Commission.

https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2021/4/section/4/enacted

love to be legally murdered by a Food Standards Agency informant.

there was an amendment to say that it was still illegal for cops to rape, kill and torture

and that amendment was: rejected


the other police bill is in the house of commons for its third reading today (the one that makes protest (or being a gypsy) illegal). i read the 139 pages of tabled amendments early this morning when i couldn’t sleep. some of them are pretty good. one of them makes it illegal to buy a dog with cash.

there’s an amendment to specify explicitly that protest is legal, but it doesn’t really go far enough because it allows public bodies to intervene to “prevent disorder”, which.. protest is disorder

but there’s another amendment to actually remove the whole Public Order section (that’s the section about protest), which would be great!

and some amendments that say if a council is kicking travelers out they have to first offer them a caravan site

there’s another amendment that says the whole “protest is illegal” section can’t come into effect until after a general election has been held, and then both houses of parliament have to ratify it

labour wants the chance to campaign with “vote for us if you don’t want protest to be illegal” which is very funny

anyway, let’s learn español

  • Happy 4th of July!! 🇺🇸👑🇺🇸 ⛔🇬🇧⛔ 🛸💦🌏
  • when we were in North Harrow, we visited a Pound Land and bought Dark Crystal on DVD
    • we watched it finally on Wednesday, but the English track didn’t work (completely silent), so we watched it in German with English subtitles
    • the bad birds screaming “ICH BIN DER IMPERATOR” was quite powerful
  • Rummy died
    • the BBC closed their obituary with a quote from someone comparing him to the Cheshire cat. “It was a grin of supreme self-satisfaction and behind the grin might be nothing at all”
    • remember when donny rummy did a speech announcing major cutbacks to the pentagon budget on Sept 10 2001
  • there’s a badly produced but important podcast about the spycops inquiry here: https://www.spycops.info/ — recommended listening
    • there’s not much news coverage on the infiltration of left wing groups by cops
      • some times they took positions of power within the organization
      • some times they entered into long relationships with women and in a few cases got em pregnant
      • most of the cops have been allowed to remain anonymous
      • there was a chance for journalists to see some of them give testimony on live video, and the only paper that turned up was the Morning Star
      • the event is not being recorded. journalists are allowed to request an audio stream, but most people can only access the court transcript
      • anyway, all this is legal now https://bills.parliament.uk/bills/2783
        • under this bill the police can legally commit crimes as long as it is “in the interests of the economic well-being of the United Kingdom”, or national security, or preventing a crime or disorder
          • lmao
  • the ocean went on fire
  • the man who prosecuted Oscar Wilde also started the fucking UVF
  • 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿⚽ it’s coming home ⚽🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

  • we went to heffalump and weasel for abe’s vaccine on Tuesday
    • i had a too-sweet salad from pret and worked on 🛸I WANT TO LEAVE 🛸
  • on thursday afternoon i released 🛸I WANT TO LEAVE 🛸
  • on thursday night i went to the park with some nice new people and drank calimocho and kalimotxo blonde until 2am
    • it was nice, they were nice, it was good
  • saturday was trans pride. i stayed in bed and whittled cotton buds
  • gpg seems to be crumbling before our very eyes
    • sks-keyservers.net is down and deprecated
    • keys.gnupg.net just pointed at that, so it’s gone too now
    • debian are no longer using gpg for signing packages
    • what’s going on?
  • the pentagon’s UAP (u.f.o.) report came out on Friday.
    • they timed it to go along with the release of 🛸I WANT TO LEAVE 🛸
    • turns out the pentagon needs more money
    • the reporting on it embarrasses itself acting as if the pentagon’s “confusion” can be taken at face value
  • i made a cooked breakfast this afternoon

my bones are crunchy and soft, my eyes are sticky, feeling good (though, dry — i drank a glass of water and it soaked in like i was a soil bed and nothing changed)

i have to water a plant today, and abe has that thing at twelve, and i have a meeting at 2p.m.

then i can return to the earth

in reply to Stop the privatisation of Channel 4 (co-operative party)
Channel 4 is a great British success story: we should be protecting it, not selling it off. But the Conservatives have just announced they’re looking once again at privatising Channel 4.

Many people don’t realise that Channel 4 – like the BBC – is publicly owned. Best of all, it doesn’t cost us anything – it funds itself through advertising and reinvests any profits to support our great British cultural industries across the UK.

Join us in calling on the Government to halt its proposed privatisation and protect it from future political meddling by putting the public in charge.

wtf?? channel 4 is public owned.?

  • on Monday we went to Hyde Park and Green Park and worked on the grass
  • Metformin is the first thing I’ve identified as responsible for painful shits and then continued eating it twice a day
  • it’s been so hot and unpleasant, but that Sun Light is good strong stuff
  • On Wednesday, Abe went to a party and I lay in bed in the terrible wet heat unable to sleep
    • ended up cooking a chili at 3am and watching Oliver Stones W and Nixon and also the 90s classic She’s All That
    • the movie She’s All That contains an unexpectedly long choreographed dance to Funk Soul Brother by Alice Bartlett’s barista
  • Yesterday I made an Atari Punk Console from a kit
  • today is the 3rd anniversary of Unpleasant Cultural Shift
screengrab of freddie prinze jr. in She's All That smiling beside a framed photograph of himself smiling
Freddie Prinze Jr. retweeting himself

photo of tails from sonic the hedgehog excitedly smiling beside a sign depicting tails from sonic the hedgehog smiling and giving a thumbs up
tails retweeting themself

when i’m on my death bed maybe i’d like to be shot and killed by charlie sheen while tiesto’s adagio for strings plays in the background. maybe i can arrange that through cameo.com