I’ve just returned from my morning constitutional, and now it’s time to write a blog post.
pissed off this week
someone I’d made plans with cancelled at the last minute and then ignored me for three days, so that pissed me off
someone I invited to my house cast aspersions about the place and mocked my claim that i would be able to keep it tidy. it’s a home I’m very proud to have made, where everything has a place, and I work on keeping it clean every day. so that pissed me off
people keep attributing changes in my personality to “age” “maturity” and “getting older” that are the result of a lot of work getting over mental illness. i have to work at it every day, but it makes it seem like I could have instead just waited until I was 33. so that has pissed me off
someone made a joke about how the work I’ve spent months on has made their life slightly more inconvenient, so that pissed me off
i’ve spent my whole life letting myself be disrespected by people who were meant to be my friends because they didn’t understand me, or they thought i was insane. if you don’t respect me now, you can fuck off, im busy.
they switch between English and Spanish while they are rapping, sometimes in the middle of lines, and it sounds so good. it’s like they’re doing skateboarding tricks in my ears. they’re so cool
i found it in a playlist called TRAP DIVAS but then i read their twitter profile and one time they tweeted “i am a boy.. and i am a girl…. no es difícil de entender”
before that they tweeted “blue boy”
I had a delivery from mexgrocer.co.uk on Friday and have been living quite the life of tacos and chili con carne
this morning i started the day with a kind of improvised huevos divorciados; in this case two eggs (sunny side up, lightly steamed) separated by a river of refried beans. one egg with salsa verde and the other with pickled red onions, sour cream (both of which I made yesterday) and hot sauce. I had no red salsa.
my life is finally a good balance of work, cooking, art and raves.
i’m working on a game for the PicoSystem called CHICKEN EGG HOLE
in which the chicken puts the egg in the hole
chicken egg hole teaches you to load sprites, take user input, and have win and loss states
colonel sanders is only an obstacle. but maybe the obstacle should be piles of straw and maybe colonel sanders should eat the chicken and maybe colonel sanders should eat the egg.
unwisely i packed one at the bottom of a box when i was moving
it is looking worse for wear
i have relabeled it “BRAVEST RUNBOOK” since its little label fell off.
here it stands watching over the electronic music area of the house, where it has been very helpful to me
i think i was in the middle of making a latte, and then got distracted by sweeping up, and then got distracted by putting stuff away, and then got distracted by setting up this little electronic music making area (i took apart a wallplug with a screwdriver so i could pass the wire up the thin gap at the back of the alcove), and then got distracted writing this and so now i should probably unroll those events until i hit latte
OH! i forgot to tell you about when i went to give the keys to the estate agent, and the End-of-Tenancy cleaner “declined the job” 30 minutes after arriving at the apartment 1 hour late because it was dirty. anyway. Fantastic Services are not, in my experience, Fantastic.
it’s also nearly impossible to get a hold of anyone to talk to, it’s really bad
hello everybody! I hope you are having a good weekend, and had the opportunity earlier in the week to become “bank holiday ready”.
Last Wednesday I received an e-mail from a company asking me if I was Bank Holiday Ready I thought “that’s not a thing”. I received another, “are you bank holiday ready“, I wondered if it’s like HD Ready and there’s also a state of True Bank Holiday. Once I got 4 or 5 of them I really started to reckon with it: I may not be bank holiday ready, and maybe i should be buying ham, beer, a British Airways flight and a table at flat iron square.
I sobered up for a while. Let myself feel some feelings. Mostly it turned out to be anger. I wrote a lot, processed some things. I used to think the opening line from Elliott Smith’s Twilight (“I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time, better stop now before I start crying”) was needlessly melodramatic but it’s very tangible now. Any amount of laughter is likely to turn to sobbing. I deleted all my group and family accounts and subscriptions, packed some more, and viewed many more flats.
I’ve made an offer on an apartment near Blackheath. It’s very nice. Hopefully I get it, it’s currently waiting for a reference from my current landlord. It’s fun that my current landlord can stop me from getting another place to live.
Blackheath is lovely. Lots of trees.
I ate a haggis beef burger under a weeping willow on the Peckham Rye and like Blake saw a vision of angels.
I’ve watched about 11 movies this weekend. The best was Promising Young Woman.
but who do I text when I realize I’m the largest rabbit in the world?
Anyway, I’m over the first hump. I’ve accepted it, I can see it’s the best thing for the both of us. Feeling stronger every day.
finally watched Derry Girls. watched the whole thing in one day. then watched it all again.
it’s much easier to look after someone else than to look after me. making sure somebody else gets good sleep and has tasty healthy meals to eat means reaping the side benefits of healthy meals a sleep schedule. now i don’t have that, i’m up til 3am watching x-files and eating deliveroo
x-files is actually far too spooky for me, and leaves me in a spooked out place where i have to use the second lock on the front door. normally i only use that before i shower
when i’m alone and sad i watch a lot of tv lol
the new MST3k is great
i still haven’t bought shoes, it’s been 3 weeks now lol
i’ve just been packing packing packing and crying and crying
starting to consider having someone take all the boxes to the dump instead
still have no idea what my life looks like 1 month from now
going to go and try to buy shoes today
sorry, i’ll be back to happy posting by the end of the year i promise
We went out for a kind of anniversary dinner on Wednesday at a gluten free restaurant called Niche. The photos they use on their website make it appear like a large dungeon, but it’s a beautiful small restaurant with a floor-to-ceiling window all along one side and an incredibly nice all/0-gender bathroom the size of my flat.
My notes for this week are mostly angsty song lyrics that I will have to burn, but let’s see what I have:
i went to see people from my office job play rounders on monday
it was a lovely day that went on until 2am
there are some things i want to write about, but i don’t know how to
my boss’s boss’s boss asked me and some other spectators to “post some shit” in the corporate slack, so we posted some shit in the corporate slack
a stranger at a bar grabbed my right tit and squeezed it while making direct eye contact with me
i just wanna choo-choo and keep going
i didn’t realize that activating the break clause on my apartment would mean the estate agent would be bringing people to my house every day for the next 2 months
we watched the whole Olympics opening ceremony on Friday morning when i was off sick
keep finding myself staring in the mirror thinking about what a fat dumb bitch i am
here’s a track i finished today. i’m either ahead of my time, or a terrible musician.
i always thought “one’s” was spelt “ones” like “its” and “hers” but the dictionary of english idioms told me it was “out of one’s element” and “in one’s cups” and i’m no hemigway
it’s been a long time since I’ve felt intense sadness in my chest all the time like this. it’s really fucking annoying
3 years of stability and union, after a life time of lonely chaos, I am not ready to return but I am powerless to stop it
he’d visited a freecycle user’s porch and picked up two large cardboard boxes for us. one was branded for ethical toilet paper, the other said “old world new world out of this world”
when he’d got back I was sitting on a bench, crying, feeling hectic, holding it in, texting people about it. I had my hair pulled back hoping the sun would repair the large white and pink stripe it left on my face the day before. we went inside. I couldnt take it, I left again.
we went through some drawers and binned some things. I cried when I found the pink Gameboy I’d given him the day we met.
I jogged with him to Peckham Rye station
I don’t think I’ve ever jogged before
we had coffee and lunch at a little table in the sunken garden by One New Change
I was sick and I went to a meeting and he went to an exercise class for gays and did high intensity interval training
we got caught in the rain, he wrapped his brown hoody around his backpack and we went to Oxford St so he could get new exercise shorts
we hid in a secret Costa upstairs of Oxford Street Next and had flat white and espresso con panna. i’d ordered an iced flat white, and they made me a hot one. i sucked it up
we went to Wagamama and had rice noodle “ramen” and “naked katsu” (two foods whose names contain a lie) and non-gluten prawn lollipop
it was a wild wet day in the end, we walked all over Oxford Street and Queen Victoria Street and took northern and bakerloo
I was sick and sweating and feeling physically drained
he got me a skipping rope and I skipped in the park with other people around
blood sugar 5.7
was sick but went in for a meeting again.
so much anxiety, so irritated by it. have stuff to do.
stayed in a hotel Tue and Wed.
it’s one of the smallest rooms I’ve stayed in. maybe smaller even than the tiny place in Paris where I suffered an ear infection, with the blood black wax. that place had a desk, so seems bigger in my memory. but it also had a slanted roof, so maybe smaller by volume
room 120. easyHotel. feel so sick. choked on a chicken satay stick
had a 4 hour chat on the phone with Simon Legg about love, law and loss. and the JFK assassination
lay on my back and listened to Conga Y Timbal by Los Yagarú
what will happen?
I woke up and i regretted it immediately
had a dream I shaved my head down the middle (it was patchy, looked like Danny DeVito), was replacing someone’s wireless electronics I’d secretly installed in the bush for their dogs with a single long German wire. it was at Harmony Drive, the corner of Harmony Hill. I was meant to call Abe to talk. long dream. Philadelphia Cheese was called Partido in Spain , or maybe Kraft was called Partido.
I slept on my hand with my wrist bent all the way back and woke up In pain. do that a lot
spending the day alone to give him time and space to think
in the dream a stranger offered me a hug because I’d stopped in the street and was staring at them, I thought I was staring in the middle distance but when I looked more closely at them I realised they were right
a new firmware was released for the op-1. it fixes all the crackle and pop.
drank several beers and a couple of litres of kalimotxo
hello! good morning. i woke up and drank a quarter of a bottle of kalimotxo.
I can’t enjoy music and if I turn off podcasts (which I’m not really even listening to) for more than a few minutes then I become consumed by own feelings
I have to force myself to eat every mealtime because even though food seems impossible to face I know it will get worse if I don’t
im still sick too.
trying to maintain a blood alcohol level just over that which would make it illegal to drive
i thought we had more time
listened to You’re Not Alone by Andrew WK on repeat and cried in the park. a dog came over
i text and asked if we could have a “chill night”. Abe came home and we played fortnite
I’m trying to be normal but I’m so awkward
We had a nice breakfast (overnight oats (or cold brew porridge as kara’s partner correctly calls it)) with chopped cherries and yoghurt
We got a iced coffee from the general store and sat in holly hedges and had a morning chat
I’m so awkward
feeling better, went into the office to work
had a prawn cocktail and a Manhattan for lunch in Harry’s Bar
the cutlery was really heavy
I was surrounded by bankers
there are four kinds of men at Harry’s. bankers, ex-bankers, budget Hemingways and trans boys
met Abe in the Whitechapel gallery after work, then we sat in the grass. I don’t know how things are
we went to Nando’s for dinner. walked by the river down by the Tate
fell into a weird sleep
I don’t remember the morning. it was so hot. I think I drank some kalimotxo.
went to the park near Nisa Local to read and make music. I’m working on a good one. a dog came over and we gave it water from our bottles.
later on I went to a housewarming pool party in the back garden. I met some neighbours for the first time. they were all very nice.
later (1am) I met some people in the park who were having their monthly park bench wine party. they were very nice too.
at night we lay on the grass and looked at the stars
the road to to vaccination was like a little treasure hunt
covid-19 vaccination signs from denmark hill all the way to a small building hidden out the back
after the vaccine we were given a piece of paper, about 1cm by 2cm, with a time written on it. i was told “Find an empty seat without paper on it, and when you leave put the paper on the seat,” before being seen into a room of chairs laid out in a checkerboard pattern
The vaccine really beat me up, and I had a few days off work with a sore arm and some flu symptoms
my immune system is already a huge mess and doesn’t need any encouragement
it kind of felt like when you get high for four days by eating a whole nutmeg
I’ve started working on a second UFO album, this one is called 🛸 I WANT TO LEAVE 🛸
rough versions of a couple of tracks for it are here:
Dr Gerardo Guillén, who heads up development of two vaccines at the Center for Genetic Engineering and Biotechnology, is a chocoholic who has had to do without his favourite fix for over a year (there is none in the shops). His £200 a month salary is a hundred times less what he could earn abroad.
“We do have offers,” said Dr Mitchell Valdés-Sosa, “but we prefer to stay because we feel a commitment to the development of our country. We’re not working to make some chief executive obscenely rich; we’re working to make people healthier.”
the thing i remember to comfort me that they aren’t going to inject me with 5g and make me a magnet is that if they really wanted to get something inside me they would simply put it in the water supply
i listened to the song wounded by the cookies a lot. it’s on our morning sunshine pop playlist. it’s really good
when the first gulf war began the bbc banned 69 songs including Blondie’s Atomic and Boom Bang-a-Bang by Lulu
we went to Westfield on Saturday. it was really busy, but we had a good time.
we bought a pretty mancala set from flying tiger and after lunch weplayed a few rounds on a grassy knoll
I spent some time this week reading about twitter’s bluesky project trying to understand why jack wants Twitter to be a client of a decentralized social media protocol.
At first I thought: Jack doesn’t want to be responsible for speech, he wants to surf. He’s banking on Twitter remaining the primary interface for most people and hoping the network will take care of moderation and he won’t be phoned by senators anymore saying “why haven’t u blocked alex jones yet”
This would help with his moderation problem, and his monetization problem. Interfaces earn bitcoin for having users, users earn bitcoin for retweets, that drives up the price of bitcoin and jack gets rich while he surfs.
Maybe it would be something less rainforest-burny like FileCoin or whatever. I’ll bet Bitcoin is jack’s preference, but it doesn’t even matter if it’s a brand new currency. jack would instantly have a huge amount of it, and its value would skyrocket.
we received an e-mail from the thirty days of art project we did in April telling us that they’d be deleting all our work on the 7th of May. so I have a few shell loops running submitting everyone’s artist pages to archive.org
Cuba has created at least two potentially viable vaccines, because they knew they wouldn’t be able to afford to compete with richer countries to buy them. Cuba needs syringes. It can’t trade easily because of USA, and it is currently not making much money from tourism. Donate here to help: https://www.support-vaccination.org/
I’ve been sick all week, and now Abe seems to have got whatever I’ve had. It’s a really annoying fever-y thing.
Last night I had a dream where I was working on a garden with somebody from work. We were laying bricks and digging holes at the bottom of a residential hill. There were other people from work beside us working on different gardens. I looked up, there was an aeroplane flying overhead. It seemed to be hanging heavily to one side, and I saw steam or smoke escaping from areas other than the exhausts. “is that okay?” i asked “yeah, i think that’s normal” said my colleage “i really don’t think that’s OK,” i thought (and didn’t say) Then the aeroplane swung dramatically to the right, up to the top of the hill. It was coming down at us very fast now, parts of it breaking off and nearly hitting folks who jumped out of the way at the last moment. I looked over at my colleague, who was looking but didn’t seem to have registered that we were going to die. Then I looked back at the aeroplane and woke up.